The Next Big One

I am now within two months of my 30th birthday. It's not the biggest birthday ever. Just the biggest one I've yet experienced.

Why do we subject ourselves to the painful process of contemplation. Am I who I thought I would be when I was in the sixth grade? Am I who I thought I would be senior year? Am I who I thought I would be 5 years ago? The answer, each time, is no.

In sixth grade I was going to have a degree, a career, a wife, kids, cars, house, etc., etc. By senior year, I knew that part of the above wasn't going to happen. I just needed to figure out how I was going to let my parents know they wouldn't have grandbabies from me. Five years ago I resigned myself to less of the (I won't call it a dream because it was never an aspiration, it just simply was what was going to happen) reality of my sixth grade mind.

Sure, between 25 and now I have completed my first two years of college. Before that I was a professional (definition: paid) actor/singer. Before even that I worked on the QE2 and the Viking Princess. I have lived a lot of life. It just wasn't the life that I was expecting when I was younger. And I'm O.K. with that.

But my reflection, ever moreso since my return from volunteering in New Orleans, has been on a relationship. In my adult life, I have had only two meaningful, though abbreviated, intimate relationships. They both occurred in my early twenties. I have been alone for far too long. And I wish I knew why.

I take stock often. I am not a bad looking guy. I come from a family with good genetics. I am the shortest male in the family but I have a powerful personality that can command a room. I can also shrink and be the least visible person in a room. It just depends on my mood and motivation. I consider myself overweight. I am told that I have an average build. So, maybe I have issues there. In fact, I have told myself time and again that if I work out, put on muscle, that someone will want me. Oprah did the same thing a few years back. She said a simple but brilliant statement right afterwards (and I paraphrase), "You're still you".

Add to the fact that I am exceedingly picky. I am not cocky or stuck-up at all. I can pretend I am cocky sometimes....but I laugh right after I say anything and people know it was a joke, despite my dry sense of humor. But I feel I have a right to be picky. I have seen people who settle just because they don't want to be alone anymore. That is not me, at all.

I'm not saying that my life is completely off-course. I think the greatest thing about my life so far is that I don't have a marked course. I have a life that my friends envy. My friends have lives that I envy. The grass is always greener, right? And I'm not saying that my life will be perfect if only I find someone. I'm not that naive. I'm not a 14 year old school girl, afterall. But I have had experiences and successes in my life. I just want someone to share them with and who can share their experiences and successes with me.

C'est la vie!

Until Next Time...